


Gone

by philaetos



Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [8]
Category: Simon Snow & Related Fandoms
Genre: ?? - Freeform, Angst, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Suicide attempt, Light Angst, M/M, Self-Harm, Simon Snow's Wings and Tail, Simon has issue, but we know that don’t we, yes i think that counts as self-harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-06
Updated: 2020-12-06
Packaged: 2021-03-10 04:13:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,424
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27918043
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/philaetos/pseuds/philaetos
Summary: My lip is trembling, but my hand is steady as I bring the knife down.It hurts like hell. I feel the pain in every single nerve I cut through.But at least they’ll be gone.—————Written for the Carry On CountdownDay 12 : Wings
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Series: Carry On Countdown 2020 [8]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2030371
Comments: 2
Kudos: 31
Collections: Carry On Countdown 2020





	Gone

**Simon**

My lip is trembling, but my hand is steady as I bring the knife down.

It hurts like hell. I feel the pain in every single nerve I cut through.

But at least they’ll be _gone._

**...**

**Baz**

I can tell that something is wrong the moment I step in the flat.

I can smell the danger. Literally. It smells of blood.

Aleister Crowley what the hell is happening. 

I follow the smell, running across the flat to the bathroom, my heart pounding in my chest. My fangs have popped but I’m sure it’s fear and not hunger that’s causing this discomfort in my stomach. 

I freeze on the door frame.

The blood.

It’s all Simon’s.

Running down the bare skin of his back, looking horrifically red against the white tiles on the floor. 

“Simon!” 

I get no answer. Of course I don’t.

My knees hurt when I throw myself on the hard, cold floor next to him, trying not to let myself be troubled by the blood but it’s hard, it’s so hard. 

I pinch my nose and breathe through my mouth. Maybe it’ll be easier if I can’t fucking smell it. It takes a few seconds to make my brain coherent again, not foggy with bloodlust, but once it is, the true horror of the situation hits me. 

Simon has a knife in his hand. 

Simon has a knife in his hand that he used on himself.

Simon has a knife in his hand, and his hand is bent behind his back, reaching for his wing.

Simon has a knife in his hand, and it’s halfway done cutting his left wing. 

I think I’m going to throw up.

No, I can’t afford to lose any more time. I don’t know how long he’s been bleeding out, but it’s long enough for him to be unconscious. I need to act and I need to act fast. Each second counts. 

I take the bloodied knife with a trembling hand, throwing it as far as possible. Little droplets of blood fly around messily. Then I get my wand out, and start casting healing spell after healing spell, trying not to focus on the smell of blood or the bile rising in my throat. 

Slowly, Simon’s wing starts repairing itself. No more blood is leaking from it, and it’s completely attached to him again. I check his vitals with another spell, and notice with a relieved sigh that the blood lost isn’t too important. He’ll probably still be unconscious for a little while, but it won’t kill him. 

Thank Merlin. 

Once I’m sure he’s relatively okay, I cast a spell to clean the blood, both on his and on the floor, and I can finally really breathe again. His blood smells delicious, it’s torture. 

Still, my hands are still shaking slightly when I turn his body around and put them under his armpits to carry him up. It’d be more practical if I could carry him bridal style but his wings are in the way and I’m not sure I can cast another spell right now. Those I used already were pretty draining. 

I hold him close to me as I walk to the room, where I let him down on the bed as gently as I can without putting him in a position that’d be uncomfortable because of his wings and tails. 

His wings and tails.

I can’t believe he tried cutting them off. Because that’s what he was doing, right?

I mean, I understand. 

I’ve wanted to pull my fangs out so many times. Because I hated them -still do. Because I wanted to feel less like a monster. But I had no idea Simon had such issues with his wings. 

I knew he wasn’t fond of them, they’re an inconvenience, but I didn’t think it was so bad that he’d try to cut them off his body by himself. Maybe he hasn’t given me any signs. Maybe he did and I didn’t see the signs. 

As I sit next to him on the bed, I wonder if I should call Bunce. I’d be so angry at her if Simon did this while she was still the one who lived with him and she didn’t call me, but at the same time, I know she’ll rush here and Simon feels overwhelmed when we’re both fussing over him. He hates it already when it’s just one of us. 

So I don’t call her. I’ll wait for him to tell me it’s okay. I’d rather deal with an angry Bunce than with a Simon who feels betrayed because I told her what he did without his approval. 

What he did…

It makes me shiver when I think about it.

“My love,” I whisper, threading my fingers through his hair. “Why didn’t you tell me you were hurting?”

**…**

**Simon**

The first thing I feel when I wake up is the weight of my wings on my back. 

I want to scream.

The second thing I feel is the hand in my hair, stroking my curls.

“Baz?” I startle, craning my neck until my eyes fall on him. 

He lets go of my hair. “Simon,” he says with that soft voice he always had when he tried to talk to me, when I was going through the worst of my depression. When I pushed him away constantly and feeling his hand on my hair as I woke up would have made me snap at him. “Do you remember what happened?”

I wince.

“Yes.”

His face gets all sad. I hate it. I hate when he worries about me, but I keep giving him reasons to be worried. 

“Can you tell me what you did?”

He knows. If I’m here, in our bed, with my wings still on my back, it’s because he saw my mess and fixed it.

I wish he hadn’t, but I can’t really be mad at him for that. I was probably in a miserable state when he found me. 

Still, I know he wants an answer. Probably to have an explanation. And to make sure that I _truly_ remember and that I didn’t lie about that. For all he knew, I could have hit my head so hard when I fainted that it made my memory confused. 

I push myself up until I can sit in front of him, and I feel him reach for me, his hands on my arms, helping me stay up. I’m grateful for that ; I tried sitting up too fast and it made me feel a little lightheaded. 

“Careful,” he says. “You lost a lot of blood.” 

‘ _A lot of blood_ ’. He must have found me _covered_ in blood. That cursed wing had more blood vessels in it than I thought. I don’t know how he managed to take care of me when I was bleeding out. And to think that he used to think badly of himself because he thought he wouldn’t be able to control himself because of how appealing my blood is to his, when really, his self-control is remarkable. 

After a few seconds, when I’m steady enough, Baz lets go. I grab his hands before he can take them away.

Touching him used to feel scary. 

Now it feels comforting. The cold of his hands is more soothing than any calming spell he could cast on me.

“What happened, Simon?” he asks as his thumbs rub circles on my skin.

“I was… I was feeling really down,” I admit, because over all those months of nonsense and hurting, I learnt that it’s better when I’m honest with Baz, even if it’s hard opening up. If I tell him I’m not doing okay, he can help me. “About a lot of things. The usual. I… I have been feeling down for a few days, now. I didn’t tell you because I thought it’d get better after some time like it always does and I didn’t want to worry you but it _didn’t_ get better. And… and today you forgot the spell to dissimulate them. I don’t blame you! What I did, it was my fault, but just, you didn’t cast the spell before you left for school. It’s… It’s a fact, I’m _not_ blaming you, Baz.”

It’s important to say it. Baz blames himself for things so easily. I don’t know if it’s because of his own insecurities or because of all the times _I_ blamed him for something he wasn’t truly responsible for, but the thing is he does and I don’t want him to think he’s responsible for this. It’s not him, it’s _me_ and _my_ stupid brain.

“So anyway,” I continue. “The wings and tail were there and they were driving me mad. They drive me mad every time they’re not spelled away. The only time I can tolerate them is when you trail your finger on a wing or when the tail coils around your wrist or your leg. And it’s just… I was really not having it today. I was thinking about upsetting things and I… I wanted to go out for a walk to clear my head but I realized I couldn’t because they were visible and I just… it… it was the last straw I suppose. I… I just wanted them _gone_ for fucking ever not just for the time it takes for the spell to wear off and I had this voice in my head that told me that I _could_ get rid of them and I just… I stopped thinking and I simply did what the voice was telling me to do. I know you had sharpened the knives in the kitchen recently, I kept cutting myself with them when I tried to make food, so I took one of them and I went to the bathroom to be able to see what I was doing and… Well... You know the rest.”

When I think about it now I realize how fucking stupid it was but at the same time I feel them moving behind me and it makes me sick. I can’t believe I used to like them. 

When I look up at Baz, I see that he has tears in his eyes. Jesus Christ. I hate making Baz cry.

I squeeze his hands. 

“I’m so sorry I didn’t notice you hated them so much,” he says. “But Simon… Why… Why would you try cutting them yourself? We could have called Doctor Wellbelove for an appointment, I’m sure he could get them removed.”

“I was going mad, Baz. I wasn’t controlling myself. It’s… It’s like last year, you know. When I…” 

I can’t finish, but I know he understands because I see hurt flashing in his eyes, on top of the sadness. 

It was when I hit rock bottom. After that, Penny and Baz forced me to see a therapist again, and they wouldn’t leave me alone in a room. Baz literally dropped out of uni for the rest of the school year just so that he could be in the flat with me at all times. I hated them for it at first, but then as time went by and started doing better, I was so grateful.

I wouldn’t have been there to see things getting better if they hadn’t done that.

“I know. Are you feeling better now?” he asks, and I can tell he’s trying to keep his voice from quivering.

“A bit. You’re here now,” I tell him with a smile. 

He gives me back my smile, though his is a little bit more hesitant. His worry is still written all over his face. 

I lean in to kiss his cheek, and then, when I move back, I pull on his hands to make him lie down with me. I want to be cuddling him right now. 

I position myself behind him, both of us on our side, my body aligning with his and my hands closing around his waist. 

I prefer being the little spoon, but it’s something that can only happen when my wings and tails are spelled away and I’m sure that Baz used too much magic to heal me to have enough power for the spell right now, so this will have to do. 

“Can I tell you something?” I whisper as I rest my forehead against the back of his neck. 

I’m not sure I should tell him that. I’m scared he won’t understand my words the way I mean them, or twist them to find a way to blame himself for my suffering because of what I’m going to say, but I need to get it out. It’s a thought I’ve had about my wings and tail for a long time, and it’s the main reason why I kept them, after the fact that they were a reminder that I once had magic in me. 

“You can tell me anything, love.”

I know I can. I just don’t know if he needs to hear everything I want to say to him.

“One of the reasons why I kept my wings and tail is that it makes us… match. You have your fangs. I have that. We’re both… None of us are like normal people, and I… You can’t have your fangs removed and it felt… unfair to allow myself to get rid of my wings when you’ve suffered so much more from having your fangs and you _can’t_ get rid of them.”

**…**

**Baz**

This beautiful nightmare. 

It’s so like him. 

“Exactly,” I tell him, intertwining the fingers of my left hand with his. I can feel the cold metal on his ring finger, and it makes me feel warm inside. “I _can’t_ get them removed. If I could, I would have, no second thoughts. You’re lucky enough to be able to save yourself from the pain having your wings and tail causes you, it’s wonderful and you should definitely do it if it’s something that you want. Don’t let me hold you back. I want you to be happy, Simon. If not having them can make your life easier, then _please_ get them removed.”

He stays silent for a few seconds, probably thinking about my words, so I close myself, letting myself be lulled by his breathing and the beating of his heart that I can hear if I focus enough.

I love listening to his heartbeat. It reminds me of how completely, beautifully alive he is. 

“I’ll call Doctor Wellbelove in the morning,” he eventually says, his warm lips pressing a kiss on my neck. 

**Author's Note:**

> comments are very appreciated ^^


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